


the echo of my pain

by joahdun



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Slight spoilers, Suicide, but then again-does it really?, i guess it's more /mostly/ canon compliant, it difers a bit, well...sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26956765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joahdun/pseuds/joahdun
Summary: Yuuki isn't sure what he is, or where he is in the limbo between life and death.orYuuki watches over Mafuyu.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80





	the echo of my pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Surprise- I'm still alive. 
> 
> I am currently in the process of writing three separate stories for three separate fandoms, but this idea hit me at 1 am last night, and I wrote seven pages in one go, so I decided to post it to get me back into the groove of actually posting my works. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy it! I wish there were more works in the Given fandom-it feels so empty here. 
> 
> Oh and I should add a gentle spoiler warning- there's nothing particularly explicit, but there are scenes from the manga that aren't -directly- related to the plot-it's from the four short stories. Strawberry swing? Not sure. But yeah there's no spoilers for the actual plot of Given-but there are scenes from it, so. Yeah.
> 
> [[Also: This story contains mentions about parental death/suicide, aside from just Yuuki’s. It's semi-canon? But if that's triggering or uncomfortable to you, please skip over it-it’s not brought up much after, if at all. 
> 
> It starts at the page break that follows “...he would let the people who wanted and needed him too down.” and ends at “It felt like a prophecy waiting to take place, his death.”]]
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

Being dead is...interesting.

Yuuki isn’t quite sure what to make of it, really. All he knows is that one moment he was alive, and the next, he was not. There was some grey area in between, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t remember what happened.

He’s not a ghost, not quite. He isn’t sure what he is, but if he were to guess, it would be something close to an imprint left in sand. A hollow memory of what was once there. An echo.

But then again, for a dead person, he knows surprisingly little about death itself.

-

When Yuuki tries to piece out a timeline in his head, he can come up with a solid account of the past few months, aside from the patch between his death and his funeral.

He was, until he wasn’t anymore. And then, all of a sudden, he was again, somewhere in the middle.

Yuuki’s not sure why, but he lingers around Mafuyu, and his guitar.

Emotions are different, now. Before, they would expand in his chest, drowning out logic and replacing it blind feelings.

Now, he feels them like a breeze on a warm day. They wash over him, but do not linger, and leave as soon as they come.

Most of the time he was alive, he felt like he was suffocating. He was swept up in his own head as much as he was in his life, and his problems were like a rock dropped in a pond right in front of him.

They were strong, concentrated, but they didn’t last. But Yuuki was always standing in a body of water, barely keeping his head up, and each new ripple ached deeper than the one before.

There was a constant itch in his bones, and ache to discover and to release the tension underneath his skin. He wanted to figure out what life, and living meant. Passion, love, hatred. He wanted to touch freedom, release, he wanted and wanted, and his want consumed him.

The only times he felt like he was within reach of them was when he was with Satou, and when he was surrounded by music.

-

Mafuyu carries around Yuuki’s guitar with him everywhere. Yuuki watches him struggle with himself.

After all the time they had spent together, Yuuki was always the one to put into words what Mafuyu could not. He was filled with emotion just like Yuuki was, but it didn’t bubble to the surface and stretch out underneath Mafuyu’s skin the way it did for Yuuki.

It simply rested there, festering, and every time it tried to come out, Mafuyu was choked. It was like watching a nightingale with fingers crushing its throat.

It feels like watching two puzzle pieces click together. Mafuyu and music.

It’s oddly symbolic that, in the loss of himself, two things he cared about the most would find each other.

His guitar was his pride and joy. When he had first shown interest in creating a band, his mother had given him the money to buy a guitar for his birthday.

She was worried about him, Yuuki realizes now. His mother had jumped at anything that seemed to pull Yuuki from himself, like music, and his relationship.

He had bought a red Gibson ES-330, and he took it with him wherever he went. He had spent many nights in his bed, playing for hours on end to feel the wave of emotion in him subside to something bearable.

Even now, as a ghost, his fingers still itch to play another song, to feel the rough metal press into his fingertips.

-

When he came to at some point after his death, Yuuki was standing in Mafuyu’s room.

His mother was there, kneeled at the side of the bed. His guitar was propped up next to her.

The ringing in his ears faded, his mother’s voice going from an unintelligible murmur to words Yuuki could make out.

“I selfishly believed...that you were our child’s anchor.”

Yuuki’s head was pounding, tugging for memories that weren’t there. When his eyes swam back into focus, his mother was tugging on the straps of his guitar case, pulling it towards her.  
“Hey...this is Yuuki’s guitar...take it. I’m giving out mementos.”

Mafuyu’s voice was quiet, but hoarse. “I don’t want it.” The sheets rustled when he sat up. “I don’t want it.”

“...it’s painful for me to hold onto this. Please...you carry it. This is surely an imposition on my part…” His mother’s voice was quieter, more pained. “Forgive us...I’m sorry we do as we please...both Yuuki and I.

“Sorry...for leaving you all alone, Mafuyu.”

-

Yuki follows Satou around. Yuuki knows him well enough to see his struggle, but, with a distant tug of guilt, it is easier to bear than anyone else’s.

It is both easy and incredibly difficult to forget the pain he left behind when he’s around Mafuyu. Yuuki can lie to himself, and watch Mafuyu hold himself together, watch him play basketball and play music and fall in love and tell himself it’s alright.

At the same time, Yuuki can’t unsee the tremble in Mafuyu’s fingers, and the weight that seems to drag his shoulders down, especially when he’s alone.

Yuuki was selfish. Undeniably so. He wanted and wanted and needed and forgot that in the process, he would let the people who wanted and needed him too down.

-

His own father had killed himself when Yuuki was younger. He was the one who found the body hanging in the basement, still and quiet. There were empty bottles on the floor, and Yuuki remembers the sound of broken glass beneath his bare feet.

Yuuki didn’t touch alcohol after that until many, many years later.

His father wasn’t the best of men, by any means. He was often absent, not physically, but mentally. He would swing from being detached to moody, and angry. He wasn’t violent to Yuuki or his mother, but to himself.

It felt like a prophecy waiting to take place, his death. At times, when he looked in the mirror, he saw his father reflected back at him.

He was a source of relief in the black hole that was slowly turning into Yuuki’s life. When it was too large to deal with, he would turn to Mafuyu and he would be there, silent and understanding.

Sometimes he would catch himself thinking about how he wanted Mafuyu to be with him for as long as possible, and Yuuki would find tentative happiness creeping up on him when he realized that he was able to visualize a future for himself.

The helplessness would fade, and he would feel like maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t forever, and it would ebb away with time. Perhaps he could be content with life, and the things it had to offer. Death and all it entailed could wait.

Until something would ripple towards him again, and the water he was in would fill, higher than before.

-

Yuuki had always known that he needed Mafuyu more than Mafuyu needed him. He knew that even though he had plans for the future, his time was limited. There was no escape, and even if he could achieve brief flashes of reprieve, Yuuki would always end up falling through the same holes he always did.

Mafuyu was the one who tied him down. When Yuuki was lost in himself, and the fire inside of him burned higher than ever, Mafuyu was there like a cool wave to calm him down to a gentle flame.

He knew he asked too much of Mafuyu, and didn’t give enough back. Yuuki was always waiting for when Mafuyu would snap, and give up on him too.

Yuuki knew he loved Mafuyu, and Mafuyu loved him back. He was consumed, at times, with this desire to take as much of Mafuyu as he could. He knew that people moved on, and that the world would turn with or without him.

He worried about the impression he made on the people around him. He wasn’t concerned about being forgotten, about his name turning into a distant whisper into the wind. He was on a constant search, and there was no one who could keep him grounded and sane like Mafuyu did.

It was selfish, but he wanted to make Mafuyu cling to him back as much as Yuuki seemed to rely on Mafuyu. He wanted all of his firsts, he wanted to cement himself into this period of Mafuyu’s life.

Yuuki wasn’t worried about the impression he made on the people around him. He wasn’t concerned about being forgotten, or fading away in people’s minds, except for Satou’s.

Yuuki knew that Mafuyu would move on at some point, but he wanted to be a part of Mafuyu that couldn’t be erased by time or the new people that would filter into his life. They were best friends, lovers, and as close as most people could imagine being. Yuuki knew he wouldn’t keep those titles forever in Mafuyu’s life, but he wanted to be the first to claim them all.

He wanted to swallow up Mafuyu’s existence the way Mafuyu had taken up his.

-

Watching Satou fall in love is bittersweet.

It starts on a sunny day at the start of Satou’s second year. Yuuki watches him doze on the stairs, clutching Yuuki’s guitar close even in his drowsy state. It is a rare moment of peace, and Yuuki can almost feel the sun on his skin, and the feeling of the floor beneath him if he tries hard enough.

He is sitting on the top step, absentmindedly carding a hand through Mafuyu’s hair when the door swings open to reveal a dark-haired boy, who stopped mid-yawn to stare at the sleeping boy.

Yuuki has been friends with Mafuyu long enough to be able to read people and their thoughts well through subtle signals. The boy doesn’t have a particularly obvious reaction, but Yuuki can see the spots of pink on his cheekbones and the ever so slight widening of his blue eyes.

A breeze of jealousy and desperation washes over him, but Yuuki stands and moves away, watching the two meet from where he’s now perched on the railing.

The boy, Uenoyama, is amusing. He has frequent outbursts, but Yuuki can see that they don’t stem from a place of emotion, but rather, care and kindness.

Some of the guilt lightens when he sees Uenoyama introduce Mafuyu to his band, and, days later, cave and start teaching him how to play.

A small part of him hurts. A larger part of him is simply glad that Mafuyu won’t be alone anymore.

-

The first time Yuuki smiles is the first time he hears Mafuyu sing.

It’s the tune Mafuyu often hummed. Yuuki had wanted to write a song for him with it.

Mafuyu uses it to create a song for him, instead.  
-

The second time he smiles is when he gets to watch the vice around Mafuyu’s throat loosen.

Yuuki watches from the sidelines.

Mafuyu is holding what was once Yuuki’s guitar, but is now, undeniably, his. He is singing the song they made for each other. He is using music to let out emotions that Yuuki used to translate for him.

It is as though he is calling out to Yuuki, and the pain he was left behind with.

It feels like a goodbye.

Sayonara.

-

Sitting on a swing…Endlessly  
With you, always…Till the end of time.

In this dream, Yuuki...was singing that song. Sitting on a swing, I was thinking unhappy thoughts and so many other things...it was lonely.

Now, I’m in love with someone else.

Catching up with everything in summer...and, understanding that winter went around...felt lonely.

Achoo!

What’s wrong Mafuyu? Aren’t you going?

...going?

Cause I’ll be waiting over here…

‘Here’ meaning?

This hole in your heart.

Hole?

...Didn't you notice?  
There's a gaping hole inside of you.  
And even if this hole shrinks, it won’t heal.

That’s why...from inside this hole, i’m listening to you sing, so…  
Keep shouting out loud so that I can hear you from here…

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> I have some notes to clear up some parts that may be confusing.
> 
> So, Yuuki isn't a ghost or anything of the sort. In the short story, there is a part (Which I included at the end) where Yuuki talks about how he is listening from the hole in Mafuyu's chest. 
> 
> I started writing this before I reached that part, (I finished the manga this morning, lol), but it's sort of the same idea I had for what Yuuki is in this story. Basically, he's like an echo. Mafuyu and Yuuki were really close, and in a way, they sort of held these parts of each other. They sort of completed each other, filling the spots in the other that were missing with themselves. Like puzzle pieces.
> 
> When Yuuki died, he left behind this hole, but I think a part of him will always linger there. Like in Mafuyu's song from the anime, he talks about how Yuuki will always be there with him, and sort of watching over him.
> 
> He's still Yuuki, but an echo of himself. 
> 
> But yeah! That's that. Let me know if you catch any errors-it was written late at night and it shows.
> 
> As always, comments + kudos are very very appreciated :) Let me know what you thought-
> 
> Here's my [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/topsfielders/?hl=en) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/iotazeta_). Feel free to drop in and say hi-I swear I'm nice lol.


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